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I have a disabled child.  He is beautiful and perfect in that way that all "imperfect" children are...his simple spirit is pure and undefiled and he humbles me.  He has also been a major factor in my journey of faith.  He has illuminated the many gifts we have all been given and which I take for granted as well as the fragile nature of my beliefs.  His needs have caused me to question my ability to parent him and the reason God would send him to me.  I have been brought to my knees by the depth of the shame, guilt and anger that I have felt in living with this child.

I've also sought God's guidance more than ever before in my life.  Since my son suffers from seizures I have felt that this story in the gospels (Mark 9) represents our situation:

"A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."  "O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me." So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth. Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?" "From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.  " 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief !"  When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again."  The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead."  But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.  After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"  He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer. "

For years I felt guilty for my lack of belief and I felt that the absence of any healing for my son was a direct result of my minuscule faith.  What I believed about God added even more guilt to my already burdened heart.  But I read the story again recently and noticed something I hadn't before...that the father didn't really ask for healing for his son.  He didn't even ask for healing.  He asked for help.  And he asked for help for both of them, not for the son alone.

"But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us"

The father admitted his "selfish" desire for help for himself as well as for his son.  And Christ's response was not one of judgment because of the father's weakness in desiring help for himself...His response was one of incredulity at the father's lack of belief that He would want to help him as well as his son.   "How long has he been like this?" asked Christ.  Suddenly my guilt was released!  Christ wasn't angry at my lack of faith in His healing power, He was saddened by the length of time it took for me to have faith in His love for myself!  He loves me as well as my son, and as soon as I admitted my need for Him in trying to care for my son, He reached out to help us.

I do admit my needs, my fears, my frustrations, and my weaknesses and I believe that Christ wants to help us.  Funny (weird, not ha, ha), since I came to this understanding and admitted my weakness and desire, God has placed into our lives some incredible and unexpected means of support for  our family.  I am so grateful for the loving response my Savior has offered me.  It makes me wonder in what other areas of my life I need to honestly admit my need for my Savior...stay tuned...